Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Crashing

Today has rolled over the top of me and sucked me under in a way that hasn't happened in a long time. There have been meltdowns, tears, curse words...all mine. Not theirs. I had certain things that I wanted done by now. A way today should go. And everything is so NOT done. Not going. This creates in me a sense of panic. A sense that I'm failing. A sense that I could do better.

But I'm treading water. Still breathing.

I wish this post were Megan's birthday letter. I wish all her Pirate Party pics were here for you to enjoy. I wish I could complete one task without being interrupted, side tracked, or undermined. I wish I could shake this feeling that I'm dropping the ball...because I'm running in circles and the LAST thing I'm doing is not trying.

I realize that my expectations for today were just that. MINE. And the 199 things on my list of 200 that don't get done don't really matter anyhow. No one will even know they are missing.

But me.

So I'm letting go of these things I wanted for today and focusing on celebrating my Megan. Six years ago today, she came into this world and pretty much solidified my awesomeness here on this Earth. If I fail miserably at everything else I ever attempt, I will still be a smashing success because I had her.

You Rock MJ. You give your crazy Momma so much perspective it hurts. How is it that at six years old, you are already so much smarter than me? I love you. Silly so!

5 comments:

LauraC said...

Happy birthday Megan! Happy 6 years as a mom!

And sorry to hear you had a day like that. But I SO SO SO appreciate the honesty. I often wonder how you have the energy, the spunk, and the fire without feeling overwhelmed or tired or beat down! Btw, the only way I get birthday letters done on the day of the birthdays is that I start them a month in advance. Not even joking.

Libby said...

You know, I have finally come to realize that 99% of MY meltdowns come from unrealized expectations. And it is so not fair to myself or to others to not let go of it and just go with what you've got at the time, not what you wanted it to be at the time. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity. And if I ever accomplished half of what you do in a day, I'd give myself a gold medal, so you deserve a few days of lessened expectations. Hope tomorrow is better. By the way, I have tears in my eyes, and I think this _is_ a great birthday letter to MJ! She'll understand it one day...

Aubs said...

You DO rock and for so so so many reasons! You are an amazing mommy and wife and above all that is what God has called you to in this season! Hold your head high and remember that God's mercies are new every morning....you're in my prayers! HUGS!

Give that beautiful birthday girl some big birthday hugs from the Miculka's!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN!

~love said...

happiest of birthdays, megan!! six is going to rule!!

oh, erin. thank goodness that we all have those days. days to remind us that we are not in charge here. that we don't have the power or ability to do this alone. days that remind us, in the end....we have an audience of One. you are undoubtedly a smashing success. now, go eat your babies up and snuggle your mateo!! =)

Susan said...

you are learning at a very fast pace these days about what is really so important...quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep!Nobody kept track of the beds that were made, the number of loads of laundry that were folded, the dishes that were washed and I sure wish I had played in the back yard more often and read to my children more! Breathe, balance, carry on. Love, Mom

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