waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I am super morbid by nature. I have no idea why. I can't drive the freeway without contemplating turning head on, full speed, into the divider wall. I think about what I would say and who would carry his casket should Matt die. Megan complains of a tummy ache and the first thing I Google is "stomach pain and unexpected death." Last night, when I went running at 10pm, the last thing I said to Matt was "If the Boogie Man gets me and I don't come back...it's been really fun. Know I loved you more than anything."
He just rolled his eyes at me and said (like the good Coach he is) "Can you please get in a positive metal state? Be ready to defend yourself knowing you're going to win......and take the dog."
But that's just it.
Walking and talking my greatest fears through....that IS how I get in a positive mental state. By verbalizing them. Visualizing them. Something inside me believes that's where they will end. Like if I say them out loud, they wont come true. If I've thought them through....stolen their thunder so to speak....then they've lost the need to materialize.
There is one fear I hardly ever verbalize however. (Mostly because it makes Matt mad.) But at 33 years old, and with the family history I have (yet another new diagnosis in the family last week!) I'd be a fool not to consider cancer a possibility. A likelihood. Just to be SUPER clear....I am fine. Very healthy. No reason to worry. Well no reason other than the 4 most immediate female relatives in my family all have abnormally reproducing cells.
So tonight I'm verbalizing. Attempting to steal cancer's thunder. Take away it's need to materialize in my life.
Merriam Webster says it better than me.
1. evil in nature, influence, or effect : injurious, malcontent, disaffected
2. passionately and relentlessly productive of harm and evil, aggressively malicious
3. tending to produce deterioration or death, especially tending to infiltrate, metastasize, and terminate fatally
So far....my Gramma, my Mom (TWICE!!) and two Aunts have all looked down the barrel of this ugly word. Some without a fighting chance.
(But Oh! How they fought!)
Want my boobs?
They've always been overrated.
Want my ovaries?
They're miracle making...but you can have them.
Want my blood?
I've never looked good in red.
Want my kidney?
Like I know what I need it for anyways.
Take them all. I'll happily give them to you in advance.
Just leave me the peace of mind that you wont come knocking at my door. That my other shoe is staying right where it is. Never gonna drop. EVER.
It's not like I'm scared of you.
I know I'd kick your ass.
It's just that I have so much else I want to spend my energy on.
Fighting you is LAST on my list.
(And believe me,
my OCD list is UBER long.
You don't even make my top 1 million.)
If I NEVER hear the word "malignant" again it will be too soon.
And besides, I have rockin' cute shoes.
Way too cute to waste on you!
To all my faithful readers...God Bless you for coming back each day. Especially this past week. What yucky posts I've given you these last few days! Death, Anger, Mourning, Sadness, Fear...I've had so much to process lately and I do it best by writing. Some of the things you read here over the past few days were thoughts and feelings I had never said aloud. Not to Matthew. Not to my Mom. Not to my Sister. They learned of them for the first time just like you...by reading them here. Most of them I still haven't spoken about. But putting them out there feels so good. And receiving all your comments, full of comfort and love, support and understanding has meant the world! You helped carry me through some dark moments. So Thank You!
I wouldn't blame you if you never came back....but I promise, my next posts will be 180 degrees from these last few days. I'm channelling Ren & Stimpy as we speak. "Happy Happy Joy Joy!"