Sunday, August 30, 2009

My Other Shoe

When do you stop denying the inevitable and start
waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I am super morbid by nature. I have no idea why. I can't drive the freeway without contemplating turning head on, full speed, into the divider wall. I think about what I would say and who would carry his casket should Matt die. Megan complains of a tummy ache and the first thing I Google is "stomach pain and unexpected death." Last night, when I went running at 10pm, the last thing I said to Matt was "If the Boogie Man gets me and I don't come's been really fun. Know I loved you more than anything."

He just rolled his eyes at me and said (like the good Coach he is) "Can you please get in a positive metal state? Be ready to defend yourself knowing you're going to win......and take the dog."

But that's just it.

Walking and talking my greatest fears through....that IS how I get in a positive mental state. By verbalizing them. Visualizing them. Something inside me believes that's where they will end. Like if I say them out loud, they wont come true. If I've thought them through....stolen their thunder so to speak....then they've lost the need to materialize.

There is one fear I hardly ever verbalize however. (Mostly because it makes Matt mad.) But at 33 years old, and with the family history I have (yet another new diagnosis in the family last week!) I'd be a fool not to consider cancer a possibility. A likelihood. Just to be SUPER clear....I am fine. Very healthy. No reason to worry. Well no reason other than the 4 most immediate female relatives in my family all have abnormally reproducing cells.

So tonight I'm verbalizing. Attempting to steal cancer's thunder. Take away it's need to materialize in my life.

Merriam Webster says it better than me.

Pronunciation: \mə-ˈlig-nənt\

1. evil in nature, influence, or effect : injurious, malcontent, disaffected

2. passionately and relentlessly productive of harm and evil, aggressively malicious

3. tending to produce deterioration or death, especially tending to infiltrate, metastasize, and terminate fatally

So Gramma, my Mom (TWICE!!) and two Aunts have all looked down the barrel of this ugly word. Some without a fighting chance.

(But Oh! How they fought!)

To all my faithful readers...God Bless you for coming back each day. Especially this past week. What yucky posts I've given you these last few days! Death, Anger, Mourning, Sadness, Fear...I've had so much to process lately and I do it best by writing. Some of the things you read here over the past few days were thoughts and feelings I had never said aloud. Not to Matthew. Not to my Mom. Not to my Sister. They learned of them for the first time just like reading them here. Most of them I still haven't spoken about. But putting them out there feels so good. And receiving all your comments, full of comfort and love, support and understanding has meant the world! You helped carry me through some dark moments. So Thank You!

I wouldn't blame you if you never came back....but I promise, my next posts will be 180 degrees from these last few days. I'm channelling Ren & Stimpy as we speak. "Happy Happy Joy Joy!"


Joanna said...

I was moved. I loved your list, and the mental state you were writing it from. You're right, you do not talk about this. You never have to me. This was beautifully written, though.
(Matt's instructions made me laugh out loud.)
You're a strong woman, E. I have no doubt about this and the fact that a healthy, balanced, STRONG mental state radiates from the inside outward.

stephanie said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only morbid one out there. I thought I was crazy for some of the thoughts I have. I'm sorry cancer is so prevalent in your family. It is pretty prevalent in my husband's family also and I worry about my husband and my children. That damn disease!

Anonymous said...

I have the SAME thoughts on a daily basis. Darrin thinks it's crazy but with both parents having had cancer I defenitely get caught up in the not "if" but "when". I feel your thoughts sister! I am so happy that your mama is doing so well and thankful that we have wonderful friends and family to process the gross thougts with! Have a great day!


Shannon said...

I am morbid as well! Hello, I was a cop in OAKLAND for 6 years! I have seen some crazy s*@t!!!

~love said...

i fight my morbid nature because i think it will make me crazy. i, too, though like it is somewhat of a survival technique. i think about all the crazy morbid things that could they don't.
may you NEVER have to hear that word again.
OF COURSE i'll be back! =)

~love said...

oops, proofread. i, too, *think* it is somewhat of...

Bert Bell said...

Sweetheart I have become attached to you and your posts. I love to come and see what your day holds and pray you through it. You definitely have had a trying week. Here is something else you can tell cancer...greater is HE that is in me than you, cancer. God's word says EVERY knee shall bow at the sound of Jesus' bow out and get out in Jesus' name from this family line. I speak healing to not only Erin but the women of this wonderful family. Healing to and in your bodies, minds and spirits. Many blessings & many hugs dearest sister in Christ.

Jennifer said...

Erin, I battle these thoughts daily too....I guess it's nice to know that it's not just me!! I have quite the family history too!! I am thrilled that your mom is doing well!!

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