Erin TELLS ALL!

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Are you ready for the crazy??! I was lucky enough to be a part of the live audience for the taping of The Bachelor Women Tell All special that airs tonight. I'll be watching the show in real time and blogging my thoughts from that day, as well as from tonight, as we go....

8PM - ok...first off, if it's even possible, I think every single girl was prettier in real life than on TV. And they are ALL SO TINY!! Even the ones I thought were the "bigger" girls this season...Um, no. They are all rinky dink.

8:04PM - Chris Harrison is HILARIOUS!!! I was lucky enough to be in the Green Room for the first part of the taping. Not only did this mean I was able to enjoy bathroom breaks anytime I wanted and hot food from craft services...but I got to hear all the under his breath comments Chris was making between takes. His mic stayed on, and was fed into the Green Room live feed...but if you were in the studio you wouldn't have heard what he was saying.

8:06PM - I feel like I could easily be one of those girls chasing after Chris' bus, drunk on whiskey, if I wasn't careful. The crazy mom who just walked up and kissed him? Hilarious.

8:12PM - It took THREE TAKES to get that "Best of Times...Worst of Times" thing right.

8:13PM - CAN YOU SEE ME!!! HAHAHAHAHA! That's my head. Very top row, behind the girls. Far left corner. First in the row.

8:14PM - Jillian NEVER STOPPED LAUGHING. The entire 9 hours we were taping. She was annoying as hell and kept asking producers for vodka. They'd bring her a red cup, she'd smell it, and pass it off (I assume it wasn't what she was asking for!) My least favorite of all the girls there.

8:16PM - BRIT IS A HUGE ACTRESS!!! She can turn those water works ON and OFF with less than a bat of one single fake eyelash.

8:17PM - Chris interviewed her for well over an HOUR. She was laughing and crying and laughing and crying. Whatever fit best at the time. She's beautiful. And she was under a lot of scrutiny. But I didn't buy it.

8:18PM - How freaking cute is Kaitlyn??? Who else can pull off a skin tight, all white, crop top outfit?! She was the classiest of all the girls there that day, IMO.

8:20PM - Jillian. Back off the roids. CHILL OUT.

8:20PM - hahaha!! "You're a little jacked up!" Told you he was funny.

8:22PM - How crazy is this?? Every girl agreed that Ashley I. ("Kardashley") was the sweetest, most genuine girl of the group!!! MIND BLOWN. But at the end of taping, I could see it too.

8:24PM - Why is that girl who went home the first two episodes even talking?? YOU WEREN'T THERE. Just sit there and look pretty.

8:26PM - Ashley I's dress is gorgeous. Carly's rose ring is atrocious. Side note - Carly is Zach Waddell's sister!!!  (bachelor from Desiree's season...remember him?!) Mandy - DID YOU KNOW THIS???

8:28PM - "Would you honestly, have moved to Arlington? Would that be something you would ever do?" (YOUR FACE SAID IT ALL BRIT. Don't try to back pedal now.)

8:30PM - Are you buying what Brit is saying?? Do you think Carly tanked Brit's relationship with Chris?? I DO NOT. But her, "you pretty much narrated my entire love story" line was freaking GOOD!!! I wanted to Z Snap.

8:31PM - If Brit plays with her hair one more time. I'm going to stab someone.

8:32PM - Next up!! Amazing Amy....errrr, I mean Gone Girl....errr, I mean Kelsey!!

8:36PM - that ENTIRE commercial break Brit whined to Chris Harrison. YadaYadaYada....TearsTearsTears....GET THE GIRL A TISSUE!

8:36PM - I mean, Mackenzie. Can you do your hair for the live show? No? Okay. Worth a try.

8:37PM - I will admit, Brit has gorgeous skin. After crying for an hour straight and wiping tears from her face, she still looked flawless.

8:39PM - You guys. Kelsey CREEPS ME OUT!!! I was really hoping I would feel differently after seeing her in real life. But I do not. There is just something OFF about her. I'm sure going through this experience on live television isn't for everyone...but it was weird.

8:40PM - that "Panic Attack" was sooooo fake, don't you think?!

8:41PM - That's gotta suck to see all the girls jumping on couches and popping champagne upon your departure...Carly's face when they pour the champagne was classic.

8:42PM - Kelsey asks for a tissue after Brit just sat there for an hour and wasn't offered one. The entire audience laughed at her. DID YOU SEE HER SNOT? Gross.

8:42PM - That's right Kelsey. Blow your nose into another person's pocket square so that I can have a legitimate reason to never think of you again. Ashley I's face upon seeing the snot = My Face.

8:44PM - Someone start a Kickstarter for Harrison to get a new pocket square.

8:45PM - "I use big words"....OMG. SHUT UP!!!

8:46PM - All the girls wanted to jump in soooo bad!!! And Chris knew it. He kept holding them off. I DID NOT buy her apology to Ashley I. one bit.

8:47PM - Thank God for commercials, my wine glass is empty.

8:49PM - I mean for JULIA to say that Kelsey is "calculated and fake".... that confirmed it for me.

8:51PM - How GORGEOUS is Sammy? Her dress was to. die. for. And I totally agree with her statement that Kelsey's fake panic attack resulted in Sammy going home.

8:52PM - During the commercial breaks, Kelsey would look out at the group of girls from the couch and stare them down with a cold, empty expression. Literally - Lauren and I were like, "OMG!! She's going to kill them all."

8:53PM - They cut it, but there was a point where Chris asked Kaitlyn what she thought of Kelsey. She was very careful with her words. It seemed like she didn't want to be too damning...but she recalled Kelsey calling herself a "woman among children" and saying Kaitlyn's tattoos made her look "needy."

8:54PM - Those 4 candles between Chris and the couch for the Bachelorettes are fake flames...but the rest were real! Producers walked around every commercial break and relit the ones that had gone out.

8:57PM - They had to prompt us to clap for Kelsey. No one was doing it on their own.

9:00PM - OK...are you ready for the SHOCK OF THE CENTURY???!!!

9:01PM - Ashley S. is TOTALLY NORMAL. I swear.

9:02PM - OK, maybe not totally normal...but she was hilarious, well spoken, and all the girls LOVED her. She definitely has a "persona" that she slips into when she wants to be funny or steal the show...she slipped into it a bit that day. But when it came time to be serious, she was. She said she knew she didn't have a connection with Chris early on, and was bored most of the time...so she entertained herself by messing around while on camera.

9:03PM - She gave Chris an onion. (or is it a pomegranate?)  BEST. EVER. I mean the pomegranate has to be the best moment of the first four episodes. Hands down.

9:04PM - Riding bikes and talking to trees is the new black.

9:06PM - YAAAAASSSS!!!! Please. Ashley S. on Bachelor in Paradise. GIMME!! That's me you hear cheering my head off at Chris' ask. DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!!!!!

9:08PM - commercial. Can we discuss HOW HORRENDOUS Carly's eyebrows are? I couldn't stop staring at them. Here. Fixed them for her....I feel better now.

9:16PM - Jade. Poor Jade. She is a sweet girl. But I googled those pics. Cringe. 

9:17PM - I think all things considered equal - if you still have three other girls to choose from who HAVEN'T shared their most intimate bits with the world, you're gonna go with the "devil" you know (but no one else does!) Right??!! 

9:19PM - Jade on the couch with Chris watching herself on the big screen...sitting on a couch with (a different) Chris, watching herself on a little screen. The Bachelor just got waaaaay Meta. 

9:21PM - Jade is the first girl in the history of time to get dumped because she got nude too early in the relationship. 

9:24PM - YAAAAAS. Bring on Kaitlyn. My favorite. I love hearing hints of her Canadian accent. 

9:26PM - "You can plow the fu$k outta my field anyday." That first night I thought she was batshit crazy for saying that!!! But it ended up being hilarious and just the first glimpse at this girl's humor and ability to throw herself under the bus for the sake of breaking the ice and having fun. 

9:27PM - so...I read Reality Steve. I went to the taping expecting Kaitlyn to be there. Even tho the episode where Chris sends her home hadn't aired yet. Whey they showed us the episode...it still made me gasp out loud.

9:30PM - How cute are those fuchsia lips? She's so pretty. 

9:33PM - ok...commercial, so I'm setting you up!! When Chris comes out, and Kaitlyn has a chance to talk to him...there is a moment when she says to him something along the lines of "why didn't you take me aside and let me know I wasn't the one? Why did you make me go through a rose ceremony? Andi gave you that courtesy so I thought you would have given it to me..."  And then the audience claps.... I WAS THE ONE WHO STARTED THAT CLAPPING!!! What she says was what Lauren and I had been saying to each other ever since we watched him send her home. When it came out of her mouth, I couldn't help myself....everyone in the rows in front of me, turned around at my clapping AND THEN JOINED IN!! It was a pathetically proud moment in my life. ;-) 

9:35PM - Basically Chris should just come out and say, "Kaitlyn...you're too hot for me. And Iowa." But he doesn't. What he says is ATROCIOUS. 

9:37PM - He was shorter than I imagined. 

9:38PM - "I already see Brit is emotional" .... and bears shit in the woods. The Pope is Catholic. Mackenzie believes in aliens. 

9:39PM - Brit makes it about her again. Kaitlyn should have talked to him first, IMO. And asking to join him on the couch? GAG. 

9:40PM - BRIT...he is engaged. He didn't pick you. Get over yourself and LET GO OF HIS HAND!! You're making this painfully awkward! 

9:41PM - Buh Bye, Brit. 

9:42PM - I love how Kaitlyn doesn't ask to join him on the couch. Doesn't go up and hug him!!! Girl, let him know he isn't good enough for you. YAAAASSS! 

9:43PM - THROWING DARTS?? IN THE DARK?? Is he fu$king serious??? Does he think he is helping himself out? Making her feel better?? Um, No. Just no. Chris. Stop talking.

9:43PM - BRING ON THE CLAPS!!! You go, Kaitlyn. 

9:44PM - More commercials. Imagine Jillian getting up and running about the audience. Doing squats. Dry humping other Bachelorettes on the risers. Asking for vodka really loud. Me wanting to punch her in the face. Yep. That's what's happening right now. 

9:45PM - Anyone else notice how Chris' face twitches every time ish gets awkward? 

9:46PM - Can you imagine being his fiance watching this right now?? "oh, I was in love with all three of you and basically just flipped a coin..." GTFO. 

9:50PM - ANNNND another scorned Bachelorette takes the couch. (cough, cough...thinly veiled excuse to get your hands on Chris' body one last time)

9:51PM - "Wild Mustang" needs to be Playboy's new centerfold title. Like next month. 

9:54PM - The Dolphin Laugh reel is coming up....wait for it!! 

9:56PM - Ok - time to wrap up....

9:59PM - In all honesty, we have girls wearing eyelashes made in Taiwan accusing each other of being FAKE. Let's take this show for what it is...

10PM - I hope Chris finds an everlasting love. But I'm not holding my breath. The final two girls bore me. Becca is just Becca. She is beautiful, but she is such a baby. She says she's never been in love and wants to wait to have sex until she's married. But two seconds alone with Chris in a private room and she's admitting to having "feelings" she's never had before and can see how being intimate would be exciting. WHAT???? Girl. Don't make me head desk this late at night. 

10:03PM - Whitney is a "Yes Girl" - I feel like she's been planning her wedding with every single egg she has inseminated. It doesn't matter who the Groom is. YAWN....

10:05PM - But you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be here, next Monday night, with red roses and champagne, watching this train wreck with shameless abandon. If I were a betting woman, (which I am, but I never pay up when I lose, so don't bet with me...I think I owe Mateo at least $150 and a good 20 backrubs.) I'd put my red roses on Whitney.

10:08PM - And I'm 99.9% sure Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette. That's just my guess. But basically, it's happening. And I'm 99.9% sure she'll end up somewhere way cooler than Arlington. With someone way doper than Chris. (Is doper a word?)

10:10PM - This was fun!!!  Thanks for playing along and letting me know I'm not alone in my crazy. ;-) Who wants to watch the Finale together??

10:11PM - My final, final thoughts...I say "OK" and "I mean," waaaaaay too much!!