Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Real Life SUCKS.

 I awoke the last two days almost not able to breathe.
Heavy crap permeates this life.
I try not to think about it.
I try to focus on the good.
And GOD.

But I am morbid by nature.
As much as I try to focus on the good,
I tend to dwell on the what ifs?
And the whys?

Hello? Is this for real?

YES.
It's for real. It's the least of what's for real.
And it SUCKS.
There.
I said it.

You all know you have been thinking it these past few days.
While most of "Us Westerners" go about our daily lives...
Taking our kids to school, shopping for groceries, vacuuming, menu planning, conference attending...

Half a world away.
LIFE...

is falling apart.
Piece by piece.
What these people thought was good and proactive and making a way, day by day...
Well, it's lost.
It's washed away.
It's been swallowed up.

And here I am blogging about colorful rash guards salty-ing up my white picket fence.
Holy CRAP.
It makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
Picket fence my ass.
GAG.

But then again, HERE.
Half a world away from a global tragedy,
a local TRAVESTY continues.
We found out today that Janene Johns has been released on bail.
She reports to a parole officer once a week.

Once.
A.
Week.

She was sentenced to 6 years.
She could've gotten 10.
She fought all of it, which made me almost lose it,

And guess what?!
She's OUT after 2 years.
25 months.
Think of the milestones Owen met in the 25 months since Janene stole his Mom away.
Walking, talking, a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th birthday, starting school, learning to read, first lost tooth, first sleep over, first haircut, first lap of the pool, first AYSO goal....

Janene Johns ended THIS forever.
But for some reason., the justice system seems to think a weekly phone call can make up for the beauty, love, life long commitment, laughter, and MOMMINESS that is gone.
Forever.
STOLEN.
CUT SHORT.

I know those are harsh words...
I really do.
But, I literally ACHE with the injustice that is in front of me.

I keep this picture in a tiny jeweled frame on top of my dresser.

Cause it screams HER.
Her silliness, her vibrance, her love for Wade, her ability to have fun and make fun, she loved to dance.
Ohhh.
I deeply sigh as I type.
She was just really REAL, and fun, and fabulous.
I live to have people say the same about me when I am gone.
I wish EVERYONE could have known her.
More than anything...
I wish you could KNOW her.

She's great, and silly, and fun.
She's fiercely faithful and full of life.
She loves Madonna and Italian food.
She buys the Charlie Brown tree and makes it fab.
She has crazy, beautiful, wavvy hair.
She's loud, and crazy and FUN.

You can't HELP but be swallowed up by her energy...
That's why we call her KANSAS.
Cause she's like a tornado.
Massive.
Overpowering.
In a way you can't say NO.
In a way you never really wanted to say NO in the first place.
In a way that red and sparkly, fit all who chose to come along for the ride.
In a way that, all have fun, and all are true.
She loves TRUE.
Even if it's not her true.
She loves you.

Yep.
We call her Kansas.
And I miss her everyday.
Red sparkly shoes are the least of it.
I'd mine rubies for the rest of my life to hear her laugh one.more.time.

And Johns is out after 25 months.

I know it's not the same.
I know Japan doesn't equal Candace.
On a worldly scale...not.for.a.minute.

But in MY LIFE.
My scale.
The loss is the same.
Janene is a lifelong Tsunami.
Janene is an eternal Tidalwave of WHY?

You are never ready for it.
It's never okay.
You can never fill up on a stash of supplies just in case...
in a way that will make LOSS manageable...
I'm never gonna be over it.

BIG or SMALL.
the World's or Mine.
senseless loss is something I am still learning to process.

I can pack and prepare and educate and fill...
But life shouldn't be stolen before it's time.
Due to a natural disaster, illness, or a human mistake...
It all SUCKS.

I really wish real life could BE,
Without these sucky moments.

But it's not.
And so I try to learn.
And celebrate the moments that scream LOVE!
Don't take a single moment for granted.
You might only get this ONE chance.

I love you Candace. 
I live my life...as a woman, friend, wife, mom and daughter, in your memory.
True.
And crazy like a tornado!
XOXO

5 comments:

LauraC said...

Thinking about you Erin.

JulzVP said...

Yes! Life does suck. I hate it when Christians like to pretend that it doesn't. When we pretend that because God is good, life will be good. It won't be! The only thing that we can rest in, is that GOD is good. That he has it all in control. That he loves us. That he understands the pain and why it is necessary, even if we don't.

Thinking about you and praying for you today. That you'll find comfort and rest in HIM even in the middle of the pain.

Mariah said...

what a touching post... my heart aches for you. I can really sense your loss and love.
I did my last blog post about some house re-do projects, then woke up the next morning to the tragedy of Japan and I thought to myself, seriously? who cares about my chalkboard re-do? what is really important in life? It sort of puts things into perspective.

Joanna said...

Oh dear, this post, those pictures. It's like bringing an intimate person back into my life in a heartbeat.

Jeff gave her that nickname, as he has done for many others.

She used to roll into my bedroom when we lived with my parent's with streams of sentences flowing out of her mouth with no period. Jeff would sit back and chuckle. She would say, "Jeefy-Joffy, what's WRONG?!" As in, "Don't you get it? This is something to be EXCITED ABOUT!"

Everything was something to be excited about with Candace, unless it was something to be emotional about. She modeled for me how to live, how to live care freely, and how to live true to myself.

I could never have learned that in high school, which is why, in my belief, she came into my life right after.

Cannot post more. Tears are beginning to fall. This is personal. She was one of the closest people to me, and I'm not sure many others will share that space in this lifetime.

Jennifer said...

Beautiful, touching post Erin...brought me to tears!

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