Saturday, February 02, 2013

Carry On

Do you ever listen to a song and just get this overwhelming feeling or emotion, not really sad but not entirely happy, and it just takes over you entire body and you just want to literally bathe in the sound and the lyrics because all of it just makes so much sense and it's so relatable? Cause that happens to me a lot…
(i kinda reeaallllly neeed to make/wear these shoes.
Like yesterday. In yellow.)

Well, I woke up to the sound of silenceThe cars were cutting like knives in a fist fightAnd I found you with the bottle of wineYour head in the curtainsAnd heart like the fourth of july

Tell me we're all doing it. The very next thing to get through today, right? Carrying on. Tell me. Cause that's what I'm doing. In the most Dickens/Meyer/Frost/Hemingway/EL James way possible. Really good books, mixed with friends, laughter, some exercise, gin, gray ties and sparkly vampires, but not enough sleep or hours in the day...Tell me that is how you are surviving!!! No???

You swore and said 
We are not,

We are not shining stars.

This I know,

I never said we are

I don't care if you're 16 and the very next thing is getting your Sbux before sliding into AP English without reading the book, only to fake it till you make it cause your crush is two rows behind you and that's what you're really thinking about. Not school. Not the book. Not the fact that you forgot your lunch. You're thinking about HIM.

Though I've never been through hell like that 
I've closed enough windows 
To know you can never look back 

I don't care if your 23 and the very next thing is getting your Sbux before sliding into your desk without sleeping a full 8 hours because you were catching up on GIRLS, only to fake it till you make it cause your dream job is not this and that's what you're really thinking about. Not this job. Not your uncomfortable heels. Not the fact that HBO is more fun than, but effing scary close to, real life. You're thinking about REAL LIFE. 

If you're lost and alone 
Or you're sinking like a stone 

Carry on 

May your past be the sound 

Of your feet upon the ground 

Carry on

I don't care if your 37 and the very next thing is getting your Sbux before sliding into your yoga pants and SUV without sleeping more than 2 hours at a time, only to fake it til you make it because (LOL) this is real life and if you can't make it now...just kill yourself. But that's not what you're really thinking about. Not the baby spit up on your Lululemon. Not the packing of lunches. Not the the fact that the boy you married is still sexy as hell but impromptu sex is ....wait what? You're thinking what the heck is IMPROMPTU SEX? 

So I met up with some friends 
At the edge of the night 

At a bar off 75 

And we talked and talked 

About how our parents will die 

All our neighbors and wives

We're all doing it. Carrying on. The very next thing.
Keeping our heads above water.

I've been thinking. 
Is this something, we as women, JUST DO???
Do we JUST KEEP DOING by default?
Because we think we are supposed to?
Or is it human nature?

Maybe it has nothing to do with not having a Y chromosome. My husband works his ass off. And comes home with more energy to play with our kids than I think I could ever muster after teaching 6 periods of Biology to 220 teenagers. (KILL ME.) But he does. HE DOES. With a smile. He keeps doing the very next thing with the best of them. To my chagrin. He carries on with so much GRACE. 

If you were to STOP. EVERYTHING. today....what would happen???
What if you stopped doing the very next thing? 
What if you stopped carrying on? 

But I like to think 
I can cheat it all 
To make up for the times I've been cheated on 
And it's nice to know 
When I was left for dead 
I was found and now I don't roam these streets 
I am not the ghost you want of me 

Okay....come back to me. 
That was scary, I know. 
Deep breath. 
I don't want to stop.
That's not what this post is about. 
But....sometimes it's mind boggling to be a woman, NO?
To be human. To be IN THIS LIFE. 
No matter your commitments or responsibilities...
I'd venture to say you are a little overwhelmed by them if you had 2 free minutes to really wrap your brain around the crazy that is being YOU. 

My head is on fire 
But my legs are fine 
Cause after all they are mine 
Lay your clothes down on the floor 
Close the door 
Hold the phone 
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now 

I think what keeps me carrying on is just that.
That I am overwhelmed.
But I don't want to stop.
I don't want to give any of them up. 
All those overwhelming things....
They are who I am. 

A mother. 
A wife.
A lover. 
A teacher.
A friend. 
A daughter. 
A sister. 
A runner. 
A reader. 
A neighbor.
A soul.
A really busy and blessed soul. 

We are shining stars 
We are invincible 
We are who we are.

On our darkest day,

When we are miles away...
We will come
We will find our way home. 

I've come to accept that being me is overwhelming because I'm doing it RIGHT. 
Even when I'm floundering.
It would be so easy to just be one thing. 
And it would be really easy to put myself first. 
Forgetting every thing else but what I need each day.
That would be easy. 
But that wouldn't be me. 

What makes me ME...
is the fact that I don't do that.
I can't do that. 
And the people I love are HUGE.
The size of my heart is in exact proportion to their awesome existence. 
I am ME because of THEM. 

Because of my life. My loves. My commitments. My responsibilities.
Because of ME.

Being ME might be hard. 
Really hard.
I might have been struggling with it for awhile. 
In so many ways....
I might be tired.
Out of sync.

We are who we are 
On our darkest day 
When we're miles away 
So we'll come 
We will find our way home.

But in so many ways....
To BE ME is to be

To be me is to 
And so I do.

(go blast this song now. it has crazy power.)


9/3/13 UPDATE: you can read about the time I got to see/hear/feel this performed live HERE. There's even a gif of my freakout. It's good.


Marcy said...

EGB! Wow, I think you wrote this just for me! Love you and admire you from afar. Always. And will try to listen for your far away cheers to "carry on." And when I hear you, and I come out of my funky daze, I will cheer you on with "carry on" and I know you will hear. xoxoxo! Remarkable Woman You!!! MME

Anonymous said...

wish I had read this a few days ago, but SO glad I did today.
so trying to take a break from social media, but it's hard w a sick girl at home and lots of time on my hands.
your post fed my soul, as do your TSGs! and fan girling.
if only IA and CA were closer.
thanks friend.

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